Shadow On The Sun
by WingedCougar
Summary: Another angst filled fluff fic that deals with Vash and Wolfwood. Vash thinks back on his life after he met Nicholas. Shounen-ai. Spoiler warning. R&R!


   
**[Author'sNote]** It's about time I wrote a Wolfwood/Vash fic, aint it? x3  I love this pairing _a lot_, so like most Trigun yaoi fangirls, I was pissed when Nick died -.- Anyways, I decided to take one of my favorite bands and pick out some lyrics that fit that part of the series. Wasn't I surprised when I found a wonderfully fitting Wolfy/Vash song XD This fic is the outcome of my love of semi-depressing music and obsession with yaoi fluff.  
**[Warning]** Uber fluffy angst!  And cute Wolfwood/Vash things! Shounen-ai goodness. The whole damn fic is based around a spoiler. I also cant write for the life of me.  
**[Disclaimer]** I don't own Trigun. Shadow on the Sun totally belongs to Audioslave. You shouldn't sue 12 year olds. They have no money x3  
  
Told from Vash's POV, talking to Wolfwood. (…sorta…)

**3nj0y.**  
  
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-  
  
Life is funny, isn't it, Wolfwood?   
  
-=[ _Once upon a time_

_     I was of the mind_

_    To lay your burden down... ]_=-  
  
__

You came looking for the Humanoid Typhoon, and all you got was a donut-loving doofus in a red coat. Imagine your surprise when you found out that idiot was him.

I remember how you intermittently shot a sidelong glance at me, your eyes expectant. What did you want me to do? Pull out my gun and shoot everyone around me? You must have, or you wouldn't have stayed around. But I'm not like that anymore.  
  
-=[ _And leave you where you stood  
     And you believed I could_

_    You'd seen it done before…_]=-  
  
I can't forget when the bus broke down, how you confronted me so daringly.

And how you saw right through me.

"You were always smiling, real friendly like," you said, "but the way you smiled was so empty it hurt to watch you. You're hurting like crazy on the inside, yet you grin and bear it."

Damn.

I guess it's a priest thing. You were the only person that could walk up to me and see past the façade. The one I wore like a shield.

And when I looked up and saw your face, Nicholas…I believe that's when I realized that it would be harder to push you away.

Heh, I always think back on the moment I first laid eyes on you, and smile. The way you contradicted your surroundings like a dark cloud in the azure sky. Perhaps it was those storm colored eyes that enabled you to scrutinize my soul.

Thinking about you is painful, Nick. The tears have finally escaped my eyes. Inwardly, I wince; they burn as they trickle down my face, leaving scars. But I suppose the skin on my face has grown a bit thicker. I've wiped away the tears so many times that my cheeks are raw.

I remember the way you stared at me. I can only imagine the way I stared back. I was amazed by you and the lack of fear I sensed. You really are something else, Nick. Normal people run the second they see that unfathomable glint in my eyes.

I guess you aren't that normal to begin with.

You could see the real me, and therefore, allowed my presence. But I knew you still thought of me as the infamous Humanoid Typhoon.

And because of that, I decided not to say anything back. Maybe if I stayed quiet, you would leave me be.

Nobody can get rid of you that easily, can they?  
  
-=[  _I could read your thoughts_

_      And tell you what you saw_

_    And never say a word…_]=-  
  
That day was etched into my memory with smoldering ink. And it still burns, but only a little.

It only burns more now. You told me to stop thinking about the past so much, to stop worrying. And here I am. I'm sorry…but drowning my sorrow is harder than I ever imagined.

What's in the past, stays in the past. You taught me that nothing could change that. But still, my world's on fire.

Because I know you're not coming back.

-=[ _Now all that is gone_

_     Over with and done_

_    Never to return…_]=-  
  
As time passed, we became friends.  I tried to avoid it, because I knew that in the end, you would end up getting hurt. I was just too dense to let you go.  
  
We were friends. Nothing more.

That is…until the night you confronted me with the same audacious attitude you had when we first met back in the desert.Me, you, and the Insurance Girls were staying at a hotel one night. Me? I wasn't in my room. For once, it was peaceful. And I used this time to think. So I sat out on the porch, staring at the sky. That's when I heard your oh-so-familiar voice from behind me, composed and soothing, like the sound of rain."Vash? Can I talk to you for a moment?"I peered at you dubiously over my shoulder. "Yeah, what about?""Just come with me."You walked further out into the night, me tagging curiously behind. Where were you taking me, Wolfwood? Why were you taking me so far out here?Just when I was about to ask where we were headed, you stopped at a cliff. Besides the moons and the stars, the small orange dot from your cigarette was the only visible light. I could still see you, though, and I'm pretty sure you could see me, too, the way you were staring.I hadn't noticed how close you were to me until you spoke again."Vash, I need to tell you something," you said casually, plucking the cigarette from your mouth and flicking it into the distance. "But you got to promise to take it seriously."

"Of course, Wolfwood, what is it?" I asked softly, a bit bemused.

That's when you said it.The simple sentence that generates more fear and pain among human beings than any weapon could. The simple sentence that is eternally smeared across one's memory, blocking out all rational thought and throwing them into a daze. The simple sentence that changed my life forever.You wrapped your arm around my waist, pulling me closer and positioning your mouth next to my ear. And then you whispered those three notorious words…"I love you."I must say, I couldn't have been more taken aback. Not only because you had been so straightforward, but because truthfully….I loved you, too.But before I had a chance to reply, you pressed your lips against mine.And time stopped.I simply held onto your shoulders as your hand snaked under my coat and across my chest. I felt as if all the scars there disappeared at your fingertips.For once in a long time, I was happy. And the love…the sheer ecstasy of knowing you loved me back, was almost more than I could comprehend.But I forgot about the glass. The fragile glass box that I had built around my emotions. The one that fell apart when Rem died. I spent my entire life trying to fit the pieces back together, and now that I had allowed myself to love, the box was vulnerable once more.Then you died.And it shattered again.

-=[ _I can tell you why_

_     People die alone_

_     I can tell you I'm_

_    A shadow on the sun…_]=-  
  
I remember the look in your eyes.

The unmistakable horror that shone there when you saw Zazie had me at gunpoint.  
So you did the only thing you could; you protected me. You protected me by killing a living person. The sound of the shot still echoes through my mind.Damnit, Wolfwood, why did you have to do that?! It could've been different...You struck me. I could tell it was harder than you intended. So I fought back verbally. Your eyes…the pain there…the hurt…it was more than I could stand. Livid words forced their way out of my mouth, my mind blurred by rage.You were cringing. I could tell every word hurt.The tears are burning again, blistering my skin. You were always there to wipe them away…but now I just let them fall.That day when Chapel arrived in the city we were in, I knew life would never be the same.But I hadn't the slightest idea that you would leave me for good.I was such an idiot to let you go off on your own.

You didn't come back that night. It was so cold without you next to me. And to think where you could be only made me more concerned. But I went after you anyways.  
You see, you somehow managed to steal all the common sense I had left. So when it came to you, I could never think straight.

I guess love doesn't take that much common sense anyways.All I can remember is the blood. The crimson stains that marked a lurid path to the church.When I saw you propped against your cross, the sunlight spilling from the windows and washing over you, I was smiling. You looked so misplaced, there on the church floor.

You were like a shadow.

I made my way to the front of the church, kneeling down to see if you were okay. Then I touched your shoulder, and a tremendous wave of terror hit me so hard, I was knocked back.My whole body became numb with shock. Despite this and the tears swelling up in my eyes, I went over to your body and gathered you in my arms. You were so cold…so limp…and your face was blank. The face that I always looked forward to seeing every day had lost its beauty. I could no longer see your storm colored eyes. Helpless, I buried my face in your chest and cried into your shirt, sobbing your name in vain, your blood staining my arms.Why did I have to love you, Nick? I knew that you would get hurt. I knew that I would be the cause of it. So why did I love you?Why did you love me?

   
_Why_…it's such a horrible and inexplicable word. I know my questions will never be answered. But still, I murmur them every night.

Nicholas D. Wolfwood…why did you have to die?  
  
-=[ _Staring at the loss  
     Looking for a cause  
     And never really sure…_]=-  
  
The glass box cannot be repaired. No matter how hard I try, the pieces keep breaking. I spent so long putting it together, and you recklessly tore it apart.And now all that's left is hole, made deeper by just the thought of your face.

Every day, you showed me something new. You explained things I would never be able to grasp. About love and life…and decisions. But you didn't make a very good one, did you? So I guess all your lessons were futile.

Nothing can fix the damage your death caused. I've become so dispassionate since you left. Nobody but the Insurance Girls can hear me cry and scream at night, how harshly I scold myself for letting you die.I lost you, and therefore, I have forgotten who I am.  
  
-=[ _Nothing but a hole_

_     To live without a soul_

_     And nothing to be learned…_]=-  
  
Sometimes, when everything is quiet and no one is around, I sit outside and gaze at the sky. I remember on serene nights, how you would take me outside and hold me in a tender embrace, whispering your own consoling lullaby in my ear.

You helped me relax. Even though every gunman on the planet was aiming at me, I felt secure with you around.And now I'm so tense and mistrustful.Sometimes I wonder how I ever lived without you, Wolfwood.We fought side by side. Everyone would stare when we walked down the street together. I guess we did look pretty odd; a legendary gunman and a priest.No ordinary priest could put my mind to ease. But, like I always said, you were no ordinary priest.The way you used to speak to me made me think you wanted to be like me. This was always so amusing. Because in my mind, I wanted to be like you. I guess you wouldn't consider yourself to be much of a role model, but hell, I sure did. You were an angel in black.

You taught me that love was not an emotion, but a punishment. How it used to be such a great feeling, until mankind found the insufferable pain it could cause. So as a punishment, God made it an unavoidable emotion for all creatures. You said that He wrapped it in chains, so that it was only an internal feeling.

I don't believe love is wrapped in chains.

Love is clad in black.

Sometimes hearing your name makes me want to scream. Meryl and Millie stare at me like I'm a rabid dog, and even back away, offering nothing but false sympathy.

Where are you, Nick? I need _your_ comfort.  
  
-=[ _I can tell you why _

_     People go insane_

_     I can show you how _

_    You could do the same…_]=-  
  
I'm sitting in my bed now. I didn't realize it until I lifted my head and opened my eyes. I like to believe that I'm just in a nightmare, so I rarely leave the bed.

I want so badly to wake up and see you there.

The scorching tears will never stop and the pain in my heart will never cease. But what can I do to make this aching subside?

I get up from my bed and grab my coat of the chair. Almost reluctantly, I put it on and, with trembling hands, take my gun.

There are already enough bloodstains on my soul. One more wouldn't hurt.

Knives will feel my pain.  
  
-=[  _I can tell why  
     The end will never come_

_     I can tell you I'm  
     A shadow on the sun…_]=-  
  
Closing my eyes, I mentally prepare myself.

There's so much hate polluting my mind. At times I become lightheaded; all I can do is set my eyes forward and curse at the shadow on the sandy ground before me. That shadow has been haunting me ever since, like a grim reminder of all my sins.  
And during my moments of blindness, I am oblivious to reality. I can see you there, so close and inviting. I reach towards you, but just when I'm about to touch your face, the illusion vanishes. My hand is frozen there, fingers splayed, tears building up in my eyes.

Why can't that lingering image ever be real?  
  
-=[  _Shapes of every size_

_      Move behind my eyes…_]=-  
  
A layer of ice has formed around my heart, not allowing any feeling to return.

Every time I think of you, Wolfwood, the ice melts. But it only redevelops, becoming thicker than before.

The ice is impenetrable now. For once in my life, I'm ready to feel the blood seep through my clenched fists.  
  
-=[  _Doors inside my head_

_     Bolted from within… ]_=-  
  
Meryl and Millie aren't here right now. They went off to get more food, the food I refuse to eat. Without hesitation, I take your cross on my back and step outside.

My sore eyes barely adjust to the sunlight. I wipe away the last of the burning tears and put on my sunglasses.

There is only one purpose for every being on this barren planet: to love and be loved back. For all these years, I've been on a seemingly endless journey for such a feeling. I never thought I'd find it, much less in another man. But you weren't like that to me.

You were my black angel, my shadowed understanding, my purpose.

Now that I've reached every humans' goal, I'm willing to give up everything I ever lived for.  
  
-=[  _Every drop of flame_

_     Lights a candle in…_]=-  
 

I tilt my head heavenwards, a smile working its way into my features. I sure wish it would rain.

I could hear your voice again.

Those nights spent together in each other's arms, the gentle embraces, the passionate kisses…those memories will never fade. It has become a part of me.

The memory of the priest with the storm colored eyes.  
  
-=[  _Memory of the one_

_     Who lives inside my skin…_]=-

One tentative footstep at a time, I set off to find my brother.

I'm still not sure what I will do when I finally do confront him, but I sure as hell will get him back for his sin. As the fervent thoughts claw through my mind, I wonder if I'm doing the right thing.

Your words are repeating in my head…

_"There is no alternative."_

No alternative. Right.  
  
-=[ _I can tell you why  
     People go insane  
     I can show you how  
    You could do the same  
    I can tell you why  
   The end will never come  
   I can tell you I'm  
   A shadow on the sun…_ ]=-

You knew what it was like to condemned to this unnamable suffering. Regret, trepidation, and the never-ending sorrow.

Even though you're dead, I will try my hardest to take away that miserable burden.  
  
-=[  _Shadow on the sun  
     Shadow on the sun  
     Shadow on the sun  
    Shadow on the sun..._]=-

And maybe up there in the sky, your watching me. Nothing would make me happier.

Maybe while your there, you can make it rain.  
  
-= [_Shadow on the sun  
     Shadow on the sun  
    Shadow on the sun_…]=-  
  
I know why I loved you now. It took so long to break through the chaos in my mind, and now that I know, that horrible 'why' has finally disappeared.

I know why I loved you.

I never realized it before now. It was almost funny how opposite we were. Our appearance, our beliefs…but not our feelings.

We weren't different at all.

You knew how it felt to always be misplaced in the world, a lone figure amongst the crowds of people packed together so tight, emotion could never squeeze through. You were like me. The odd one out, a simple indifference in the mainstream world…Like me, you knew what it was like to be a…  
  
-=[ **_Shadow on the sun._** ]=-

   **'I met a lone man in the desert, a traveling priest. He smiled and then told me I'm a troubled man. Faced with his all-seeing smile, I could say nothing in my defense. Did I meet this man because I was destined to? Or was it a small jest of God? The man's name is Nicholas D. Wolfwood.'**-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-  
  **3nd.** Damn, that was long xo  Btw, the thing in bold at the end is from one of those nifty episode previews that Vash says. I thought it fit well XD Another angsty fluff fic done. Wow, I really need a life. Anyways, I know this fic totally sucked, no need to remind me. But PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE **REVIEW**! Arigatou, and until next fic, ja!


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